CPF LIVE! with Gili Segall - Transcript

Rachel:

Hi, everybody. It's me again. I'm Rachel Byrne. I'm the executive director of the Cerebral Palsy Foundation, and excited to have another Instagram Live today. We have Gili Segall joining us today, who is a child psychologist from NYU Langone as part of their Child Study Center. And really looking forward to this conversation today because obviously I think now some of us have been in eight weeks of stay-at-home orders and isolation. So it's been quite a long haul for all of us. And I think today I'm really looking forward to the discussion we're going to have. I'm just inviting her to join the Live now. So just waiting for that. But please, as always, any questions that you might have as we're going, any thoughts. Hi. Hi, Gili. How are you?

Gili:

Hi. Hi, Rachel. How are you?

Rachel:

Wonderful. Thank you so much for joining us today.

Gili:

Yeah. I need to adjust my phone. So just a minute, please.

Rachel:

No worries. I was just saying to everybody, as we're joining, please put comments and questions as we're going today. We really want to make sure that we're answering as many of your questions as possible. But before we get started, can you just give a little bit of a background on yourself and what your expertise are and what we're going to be talking about today?

Gili:

Yeah. Sure. Just still trying to figure out with my phone.

Rachel:

No problem. Yeah. That's perfect. That works.

Gili:

Yeah. Now it's better. Okay. Yeah. One of our main challenges these days, right?

Rachel:

[inaudible 00:01:57]-

Gili:

Remote communication.

Rachel:

... FaceTime, whatever we're using, we're now getting... This is our social interaction, so I'm very glad. We need to see each other's faces.

Gili:

Yeah. Definitely. So hi. Thank you so much for having me today. And my name is Gili, Gili Segall, and I'm a clinical psychologist working at the Child Study Center. I am part of the ISD service of the Child Study Center of NYU Langone. And I have been working in the last 12 years or so with families of children with ASD and all kind of developmental disabilities and trying to help them throughout the way, each family with their special path and their individualized processes. And so happy to be here with you today.

Rachel:

Thank you so much. And I know our topic today is how we can start thinking about looking after ourselves a little bit, but also our children during this time. So we're going to be covering both of those sorts of topics. But I know, obviously right now, we had one question that came in earlier, and it was from a mom. And she just wanted to know some of the common emotional reactions that you are seeing in children during COVID-19 and everything that's happening during this uncertain time, just to know what is common or normal or what can we expect? And then sometimes, what are the outliers where we might need help?

Gili:

Yeah. That's a really good question. And first, we should remember that kids, just like as adults, they could have a really broad spectrum of emotional reactions to this COVID-19 situation. And we should also remember that kids' emotional reactions could actually appear as certain behaviors sometimes as they are not always very aware to their emotions, to their feelings. And sometimes maybe they could be aware, but they can't really communicate verbally as they would like or want to themselves. So that's why we actually see, and it's very common, especially these days, a lot of acting out behaviors. It could be aggressive behaviors or disruptive behaviors or more of a general regressive behavior that we could see. And often, it seems like it doesn't have a really good, clear trigger or any rationale, and more behaviors that we actually can see are extreme moods and moods changing really, really fast. We could see very extreme upset, a lot of crying, just being more cranky or more emotional or very sensitive most, not like we are used to.

Rachel:

[inaudible 00:05:20] like that, for sure. [inaudible 00:05:24]. It feels like you're on this rollercoaster. And as you said, sometimes how to deal with that though, and particularly with young children or children who aren't necessarily understanding why they're feeling those emotions, what are some of your pieces, what you can do to help with that?

Gili:

Yeah. That's a very good question too. First we should remember, just like you were saying, that all of us are in the same boat about this, and we could really try and relate to what they're going through. And we should always remind ourselves the broader situation, what we've just discussed, and to reflect on how we are dealing with the stress, and try to adjust our expectations about how they're doing, taking into consideration each child's unique profile. Not every behavior that was considered oppositional or resistant and in routine is actually with the same function today because a child could just be at home for so long, not going out to the park, not being able to meet his friends or his teacher or his routine, not really a good reason for him, anyway.

Gili:

And he could actually hear all about it, this virus talk, which is very stressful, especially for kids whose parents are essential workers and go out and probably come back with so many stories about what's going on. So we could just try and remind ourselves that. And if we see our child running all around the house and throwing things and asking ourselves, could it be that he has too much energy in his little body? Maybe it's a good time to take a brain break. Maybe he was trying to do some remote learning and it was just too much for him. His teacher is so far away, so maybe let's go out to stroll the park together.

Gili:

Maybe we could actually enjoy it too with him. Or just try to remember some kids could really be self-sufficient and work well in remote learning. But some kids, it's just too challenging to them. And if they've done one of their assignments and then they want to go and play a little, or maybe they need some kind of reward, like special time with mom or dad, again, if you could do it because I know that all of us are in such a stressful situation and so much to do around the house and our careers. So just try your best.

Rachel:

And I think I love that. I love this term, try your best. And I think all of us are trying to do our best. And sometimes we put this pressure on ourselves that we have to be everything. We have to be the best mom. We have to now be the best teacher. We now have to be the best at our job and all those different things. And as you said, we are all trying our best. And sometimes just knowing that within yourself can be so helpful. I wanted to discuss as well, as parents, as we try to support our children at home, how can sometimes we make the most of it? You touched on it a little bit. It's this thought, okay. Our children are at home. We're at home. How can we maybe put it into our schedules or something to try to make the most of our time at home?

Gili:

Yeah. So again, it's so important to try and have some kind of a routine, some kind of a schedule that takes into consideration the challenges of this remote learning and all the house chores, of course. So it could be really, really good to try and incorporate in the schedule, in the daily schedule, some physical activity. You can do something together with your kid. We can benefit from it too. Or again, have these brain breaks all through the days and trying to assess together with your child what to prioritize, maybe. Should he start with the ELA or maybe the math? We could always really get any help that is available. If you have a teacher or a para that are available to try and set a private Zoom meeting with your child once a week or once in every two weeks, it could be a really good motivation boost for your child.

Gili:

The same with relatives. If they are near and they could come and help and that's perfect. But if not, then try to be a model to your kids and try to communicate remotely, as hard as it could be, and practice your virtual hugs and kids with Zoom. And again, try to incorporate rewards and some fun activities to do, preferably together as a family. It's not possible always. So if you could have it at least for the weekends, that's good too. A lot of exercise.

Rachel:

I was going to ask you that, actually. I think some of us are feeling like our days are turning into the same day every day. And would you recommend trying to still maintain that schedule of a weekend? And what are some of the fun recommendations you might think of to do with your children at home to make them feel like, "Okay. Yes, this is a weekend. This is a rest day," or, "This means something different than just being at school online."

Gili:

Yeah. Definitely try to have some sort of difference between the regular days of the week in which there is a certain schedule, which includes remote learning, of course, and maybe some afternoon exercise and pre-play. And during the weekend, do trial, though. It could be so challenging sometimes. Try to do more of a special family time together. If you can have somewhere around it, you can go and stroll. And actually, things are getting opened a bit very, very slowly and carefully. But whatever is possible, whatever is available around you. If you can have a family movie night together and trying to make it special as if you were going to the movies together in front of your television, trying to have popcorn and snacks, and it's going to be so fun. And again, try to be more flexible as much as you can because this is really a challenging situation to all of us. So all of us are just as we've mentioned, trying our best.

Rachel:

We have some people have made some good comments as well. So art, music, creativity, scheduling those in is so important. What's your thoughts on... Obviously those activities really are usually done in person and things like that. Is it best to try to maintain that or to do it online and try to do it online as well? Or is it just depending on each child?

Gili:

Yeah. I definitely think it depends, but it's totally worth the try because some children actually really enjoy trying to have a virtual play date with one of your best friends. For sure, they miss their friend. They miss their school. And a virtual play date, if you can try and plan it ahead of time, try to decide what is the best, the optimal time of the day for your child. And of course, try to talk with a friend's parents to see if they're available and when is a good time for them. And also you should try and plan ahead with your child. It's actually a really good social skill for life and not just for quarantine. Try to plan, what does he want to show his friend? You could show and tell, like show your pet or an art project that you've done recently, or just what he wants to chat about or ask his friend. Yeah. Definitely. So try and do that.

Gili:

But again, try to remember and remind yourself that some of the kids are very frustrated while virtual play date isn't a real play date. So try to go with the flow. And if it doesn't go and if you see your child losing interest, that's okay too. Don't take it too hard, not on yourself, and not be mad at your kid, because it's so challenging.

Rachel:

Absolutely. And this comes into this question. As I said, I think we're now eight weeks, almost nine weeks into this process, and depending on where you live around the country. We are in New York and ours might be a little bit longer. But there's definitely this summer is coming. And unfortunately, there's still this uncertainty because that's the other thing that children usually at the end of school, they get this summer break. And I think there's so much uncertainty about what to do about that. If camps aren't running or if they are running what to do... We've got a question that's come through about given the pandemic and kids are kids and difficult to physically distance, is it your opinion that parents should not send their kids to camp, especially with new dangerous symptoms in kids? There's so much, I suppose, uncertainty out there around summer that I think it would be great to like, "Let's talk about summer. What are we going to do?"

Gili:

Yeah. Definitely. I think that currently for parents, the main concern is what are we going to do during the summer? And I can be as honest as I can and as a mother myself to share that I don't have a really good question as for summer camps. I'm waiting just like everyone else to the medical advice that we are going to get, to the instructions that we are going to get about in-person summer camps versus virtual summer camps. I don't know how it's going to look like. We hear all sorts of things, but nothing is final yet. But what I can say is that for sure, we should definitely try and plan ahead of time, try to not too much of a mess because kids do need routine.

Gili:

And again, I'm not sure about what we are going to have. We will probably have all sorts of virtual camps and online and remote camps, maybe in person too. But we should definitely try and plan some kind of a routine even if we don't have a full day agenda. And that's okay because again, it's summer. So they don't really need to work all day. But we should try and set some anchors for each and every day of the week, try to have some kind of a day routine, very similar to what they're doing in school.

Gili:

We could even do a visual day routine at the living room or at the kitchen, near the kitchen table. And try to say like, we're going to have a breakfast together, maybe a family breakfast if it's possible, and then maybe try to assign appropriate tasks to each family member during the day. And of course, if you want to try and find a certain project for each member of the family, it could be really, really nice. It could be something general like, "I want to try and practice more my piano playing," or maybe something like, "I want to learn more about ancient Egypt." That's okay too. And if each family member... And that includes us parents. If we could try and make the most of it, then it will probably be a bit better. Yeah.

Rachel:

Yeah. I know. I think it's one of those things that during the summer, it's going to be... So I suppose for me, I've got three little children at home and I'm trying to think about, "Okay. How can I make them think that the summer's going to be different even though really, the physical space is not going to be different?" Is it giving them things like, is it okay to let them sleep in a little bit longer? Is it okay to be like, "Okay. This week is, I don't know, some sort of camp," and structure it that way?

Gili:

Definitely. If you are up to it, then I'm sure that your kids would definitely love it. I just want us to remember that some parents are feeling actually so overloaded now, trying to incorporate everything, all their house chores and all their career goals, and also being parents and being teachers and being all sorts of other things. So if you could try and have a special week in which you will maybe talk or teach or try to have all kind of activities about water, let's say if it's a hot week or something like that, that's wonderful, or just taking it one week at a time. But definitely let them go to sleep a bit late. And of course, that's okay. That's okay. And not like in routine, try to be a bit more flexible and allow them these little treats that we don't really always want to let them because it's not healthy, but that's okay. Nutrition doesn't have to be perfect. And again, it's summer. It's summer. Let's try to remember that. Yeah.

Rachel:

I think that's such a good thing, this whole idea of perfection and giving yourself a break. If you miss a day, it's okay.

Gili:

Definitely.

Rachel:

At the end of the day, it's not going to matter. So how can we help ourselves? So how can parents out there try to help themselves?

Gili:

Yeah. A very important question, indeed. So first, again, it depends on your situation, of course. If you are lucky to be to, then of course, try to take shifts as much as you can. Try that each parent actually have get some time for being with the kid, work, and of course, for himself, and try to encourage one another to actually take this time if it's for jogging or for just doing something that he or self-grooming or whatever it is. Really try to be kind to your partner and remember that you are a team. And teamwork is always the best way to approach challenges. Of course, if you are not so lucky, and you are one, and you need to do it by yourself, then again, try to get as much help as you can.

Gili:

If you can have a neighbor and trying to do some things together, or just try to share your feelings with others, with neighbors, with others in the community, with friends, with family members. Try to share the way you feel, and you actually might be surprised or not so surprised to find out that everyone feels the same. Everyone is challenged. And just again, try to do your best and do whatever it takes to remind yourself that you are not just a parent. You have your life. Yeah. Definitely.

Rachel:

I think that's such wonderful advice. And I think all of us need to give ourselves a pretty big pat on the back during this time because it is hard, and just acknowledging that as so important, and then going, "All right, I'm doing a great job." It doesn't matter if my house is messy. It doesn't matter if I haven't brushed my hair today. Just putting it out there. The only reason why my hair is brushed and I've got a little bit of makeup on is because I knew I was going live today. Usually, it doesn't happen. Or as you said, give that... I feel much better this morning for doing it. So give yourself those times to actually just look after yourself that little bit extra.

Gili:

Yeah. Definitely. Definitely. Yeah.

Rachel:

Now just to make sure, obviously if anyone is out there feeling overwhelmed, feeling like they're sinking, feeling like they're not really coping, when do you know when it might be time to get some help?

Gili:

Yeah. That's very important to note. Everyone is very challenged these days, but if you feel that you are overly sad or overly angry or too anxious, maybe aggressive even, or even if you find it very hard to sleep well or you just can't manage to do your tasks on a regular basis, and it doesn't get... or you feel like you're about to break, then definitely, definitely make sure to get the professional help. As a parent, it's always the metaphor of the oxygen masks with the seat belt. You will be able to take care of your child if you yourself, you have the oxygen that you need. So please take care of yourself. And there are many possible organizations and institutions with all sorts of mental health professionals. And currently, most are working remotely.

Gili:

And actually, we at NYU, we are planning to start very soon a stress management support group for parents. It will be very short. We were thinking about this time in which no one could really try to plan too long. So for session, for parents, with children with developmental disabilities. So feel free to reach out to us or to any other organization that you find near you or easy to reach. Go and get the help you need.

Rachel:

And we'll make sure for everybody's watching, we'll put those links in on how you can contact so you know how to reach out to be part of that support group because I think it's a wonderful support group that you're launching and such a necessary service, particularly during this time. And hopefully, actually, all the time. I think this is also one of the things that this time has highlighted, is that giving yourself these moments of self-reflection or time or going, "Oh. Maybe I do need to work on myself a little bit." I think everything's so compounded right now, but hopefully with all the different services that are now going to be on offer, these are going to be maintained into the future as well because it's not just because of a pandemic that these are required. It can be for many, many, many things.

Gili:

Yes. Sorry about that. I'm back. Yeah.

Rachel:

I just wanted to say thank you so much again for taking the time today, giving us these tips and ideas on how not only we can do things for our children, but for ourselves, and just that reminder that... I love your analogy about the airplane. If you don't have the oxygen on, then you can't help your children. So please make sure you're looking after yourself first as well.

Gili:

Yeah. I couldn't agree more. Yeah. Thank you so much for having me.

Rachel:

Thank you so much, and have a wonderful weekend everybody. And we will be back next Tuesday with another Instagram Live. And as I said, we'll be putting all the resources and everything like that on our stories. So make sure you check it out. All right. Bye.

Gili:

Bye-bye